DO I SPIT OR DO I SWALLOW?

Renee Mayne, Hedonistic Queen, The Hedonistic Way, Spoken Word, Speaker,

I can’t spit any more,

It’s time to swallow.

It’s hard,
It’s bitter,
And it’s the most courageous thing I can do.

It’s tastes like crap,
But it will nourish my soul.

There’s a part of me that has been ashamed.

Ashamed of the answer to the question…

What have you been up to?
How’s business?

When I answer, “I’ve taken some time out.” There is a part of me that is embarrassed, ashamed that I haven’t been strong enough to go through this year like a boss.

I have worked my arse off since I left home at 17.

I’ve worked up the 3 jobs at once, continuously learning and expanding my knowledge, skill set and mind.

All the while silently being abused and beaten behind closed doors, being treated for the beginning of cervical cancer.

I literally turned my life around, no more abuse, no cancer. I didn’t shed a tear for years!

Unstoppable, determined and courageous.

Pushed myself so far into whatever scared me and into the unknown, completely unafraid for myself and whether or not I could do it.

Started my business when I had a new born baby with special needs.

Had a toddler, pregnant, worked and ran a business all at once.

The business fell a part and I started another one which would serve me well and thousands of others for a decade.

Built a house, sold the house, lost everything in a house flood, renovated that same house.

Continued to raise my children, run my business and be a devoted partner to my beautiful man.

I can do all this and continue to serve and work and serve and work and be there for others.

I prided myself on being “ALL IN” when it came to my clients. Like, I gave all of myself physically, mentally, energetically and spiritually. I wore it like a badge of honour.

For the life of me I couldn’t muster up the desire or the energy to do that this year.

So I hid.

That’s the part that is hard to swallow.

I hid behind my children, telling myself they needed all of me.

I hid behind volunteer work, telling myself there was no one else who would do it.

I hid behind managing the estate of my deceased Mother, telling myself that I had to honour her life and everything she worked so hard for.

I hid behind keeping myself busy doing things to stop myself from entering the void.

I’m done spitting.

Rejecting the part of me that is ready to swallow.

It’s time to really enter the void.
To take action.
To go there.

To answer the question of “what have I been up to?”

I’ve been finding myself.
Discovering who I am, really.
Minus my identity.
Minus my business.
Minus my brand.
Minus my kids.
Minus my Mum.

I’m cracked right open and ready.
Ready to sit with myself.
Really sit with myself.
My soul self.
In the void.

 

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