Letting the natural cycle of erosion and renewal take place in our lives is the process.
Yet we try to avoid it, bypass it and pretend it’s not there, because we have a hierarchy of emotions and we feel less than for feeling anything other than utopia.
There are natural rhythms of life that I feel like I am only starting to fully appreciate at the tender age of 41½.
Giving our pain airtime makes us strong not weak.
Giving my pain airtime during this extraordinary time of change, significant endings and being OK with being a student, knowing that radical acceptance of my reality is the most important thing on my to do list.
Retreating from life to listen to what life is telling me.
In September 2018 Mum was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) and we were about to embark on what was the final chapter of her life… though we didn’t now it at the time, actually I think she did.
It wasn’t the first time she had been sick, she spent most of my life with various illness and I have cared for her many times, so I thought this time was no different… until I saw her.
Untreated she had a life span of 2 weeks, so she started treatment straight away as we navigated through the dance between wanting answers, outcomes and a plan, yet knowing that no one can give you one. Wanting to have some control over my life and not wanting to give my life up, either way I had to be there for Mum.
Lucky enough I was doing the initiate course with the Institute Of Intuitive Intelligence at the time because it allowed me to zoom out and remember that radical acceptance of my current reality allows me to meet myself as the Divine.
Having a routine, a plan and a clearly laid out agenda is in our blood so surrendering to divine in such a big capacity was huge me and my family, there was a moment where we new we had to just forget about work, my business, my life and everything else I didn’t want to let go of or stop and just be there for Mum and bring her to a place of peace, love and forgiveness. As soon as we did this the entire experience become much more enjoyable and challenging AF, but still grateful for all of it.
On the 27th October at 11pm she passed away.
The pain of losing someone so close to you and one that has shaped who you are is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. After she passed I seamlessly slipped into my Warrior so I could get on with organising the celebration of her life and carrying out her last wishes.
I did all of it like a boss, nailed it. I felt really proud that she was able to be surrounded with so much love and inner peace in her final moments, she found forgiveness which is huge for her and I think she would have been proud of her memorial and the respect shown for her next wishes.
I felt exhausted and proud.
Life went on as it does with children and Christmas.
My pain was significant; I could feel it in my body, but it wouldn’t come out. The truth is that I didn’t know how ugly it was going to be and not sure anyone could hold me in that.
Grief is a multitude of emotions and the pain is real, yet something you don’t really have control over. When it is ready it will come, there is no right way to grieve and it is different for everybody.
My way was to retreat from life and hold myself in it, the layers to grief can feel never ending. My grief was drip feed at first, coming in short bursts, then one day the downpour arrived.
That was a turning point that followed up with a few other turning points.
What I discovered was this…
- You cannot rush grief, it has it’s own timeline.
- Give the pain airtime, write, talk, sing or draw, whatever it is for you get it out when you feel ready to and you will know, because pain/ grief finds you!
- You will feel alone and like no one understands, that’s because they don’t. The relationship we have is unique so no one else will know how you’re feeling.
- BUT, with that remember that your pain is no getter than anyone else’s just different.
- People don’t want to talk about the person you just lost, but there will be a couple of people who ask questions and they are amazing.
- You will feel lost and question your entire life. Nothing will make sense, nothing.
- The pieces will start to come back together, but it is an entirely new picture.
- You look for signs that they are still here and when you get them your heart bursts open.
- Our days are a result of what we say yes and no to, respecting my yes and no’s have never been so important.
- Remembering that I am supported and I have an entire army of loved ones that are on the other side working with me.
- Trust where you are at, don’t feel guilty for needing time to yourself, acknowledge how you’re feeling, don’t judge or have expectations of other people.
- Be self-responsible and honest with yourself.
- Sometimes the answers don’t fall into your lap, they come through when you’re doing something that you love to do, so do things that you love to do.
Process pain
Go from co-dependency to co-creation.
Honouring the solace in between breaths.
Live with no regrets.
