My Trauma & Me.

healing trauma and abuse

When I think about my past and how I navigated some really tough situations, experiences and a shit load of trauma.

Though I never realised it at the time and now I am thankful in the NOT knowing, because sometimes the more we know the more our fight, flight and freeze kicks into action.

The more I cognitively understand something the more I want to control the situation and outcome.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

People think that for them to change their life, have more joy, more fulfilment, more money, love their job and have great sex something drastic has to change. It doesn’t.

Simply making life a felt experience will turn everything around.

Soften the gaze in which we see the world, if we knew people’s backstory we would have more compassion I am sure.

Slowing down and taking pockets of time and making them magical, not by doing anything exceptional but by bringing your attention to it.

Being responsible for your feeling state and learning how to cultivate energy and move it through your body.

All the magic happens in the body, rarely in the mind.

Then why do we spend so much time and energy on manipulating, educating and satisfying our minds?

Why is so much emphasis placed on the academic mind?

Our minds try and gasp something it can never obtain until we understand that our bodies are the gateway to us activating the part of our minds that to date has been dormant.

There is so much trauma trapped our bodies because of our need to use our mind to override life. When we let life move through us and bring each experience to completion there is nothing to store… no trapped trauma.

For the academic minds the neocortex complex abilities makes us want to bypass the reptilian instinctual brain and manipulate and control the situation, in doing so it stops the natural cycle of the reptilian instinctual survival brain so it doesn’t complete, thus trauma is formed in the body.

It can be years before the body steps out of trauma response to deal with the past.

 

When I left my violently abusive past it was at least ten years before I started to process what had happened. Prior to that I only had hate for the man that I witnessed hurt my Mum and begun the cycle of abuse that would continue for many years.

When we begin to unpack our trauma there is a natural evolution and unfolding that takes place and must first listen to the felt experience that is happening within us.

For me, it started with writing about it on my blog and with that I realised just how much I listened to my instinct. Realising the anger I was holding in my body and not knowing what to do with it was causing pain in several areas of my emotional body and physical body.

I didn’t want to feel hatred or anger because I knew that as long as I did they won, the biggest revenge is internal peace, joy and forgiveness.

My life was very different, I love being of service and I was with a man that was my world. But I would hear a song or smell a cologne and it would take me back there like it was yesterday, often it activated the freeze response and I would be paralysed with fear. This was not conducive to the life I wanted to live.

I had changed my life and broken the cycle and many would probably be happy with that, but not me it wasn’t enough.

All the self-help, programs and courses didn’t teach me how to move past this, all the raising awareness, money and ambassadorship didn’t stop this from happening.

One thing did.

One day I was walking through Officeworks and I smelt the cologne, I stopped and something told me to put my hand on heart and feel nothing but love… love for myself and for my abusers. We were all one in the moment.

This moment changed everything, I had found Forgiveness a long time and this was something else again.

It happened in my body. Instead of the trauma response freezing my body I allowed myself to a felt experience. I let the judgment of them go and just felt love, I let the frustration of myself go and just felt love.

This gave me the ability to understand the kink I had to this experience and how I was getting off on it, there was a secondary gain that was totally unconscious and hidden, but there and creating my reality. That can hurt to hear but it was true.

For many people this will be something that they can never understand, for us to get a space where we feel nothing but love for our abusers, seems absurd. But it was the thing that allowed the natural cycle to finally come to completion. Once and for all.

Until we get to this place we will never be able to live the life we really want to live.

Once this happened I was able to find pleasure in the subtlest moments, the ones that are easy to miss but the ones that spark rockets of desire, hope and courage to make them happen.

Amazing things happen not when we hover above life and try to dictate and micro manage it with an iron fist, but when we allow life to become a felt experience and melting into the moment.

 

 

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