Where does it start and when does it end, it doesn’t. Because the ripple effect of domestic violence is deadly and when it isn’t, it can take a lifetime to heal.
I am on the other side, but when I hear a song, smell their cologne, it takes me back; like it was yesterday. It’s not even the violence that upset’s me anymore…. It’s the ripple effect it has on everyone involved and how it can damage their lives.
I have experienced domestic violence as a teenager and as an adult in my own relationship. The cycle is toxic and it so hard to break the cycle when it’s been a part of your life growing up.
For a long time my biggest frustration was the lack of accountability that is attached to domestic violence and the silence.
The anger and hatred just grows, there is so much rage inside it’s horrific.
What we don’t fix our kids inherit.
That is a fact. I am testament to this and so are many others… Most of the time they wear a mask and hide behind a fake smile, and sadly your closest friends and family don’t even know. You don’t think they care. You beg them to notice the pain in your eyes, for you can’t speak, because of the shame. You want to… but you can’t, so you long for them to see it in your eyes… and they don’t, so it causes more pain.
My fear was never the next beating, but me living this life, forever.How do we change this?
As kids growing up in this environment you don’t know what love looks like, it’s the emotional abuse, as well as the physical abuse. You know it’s wrong but it’s hard to understand the emotional roll-a-coaster you are watching your Mum go on, as well as the one you, yourself are going on… The push and pull of the everyday fighting is exhausting and it leaves you defeated and broken.
The daughters grow up to attract various things…the same violent abusive partners; their confidence is shot, so their hunger for life isn’t there. They settle for anything, they use sex as a form of fulfilling a longing for feeling loved. They go through life lost, they give away their power. They’re in a relationship where their partner walks all over them, or maybe they go through life without experiencing what it’s like to be in love.
The sons can either grow up becoming abusive, or they might even be abused themselves. They have a warped perception about what it’s like to be a man. They go through their own life feeling like they can’t let anyone down because that’s what they think they did, when they were younger. They close themselves off to love. And when or if they do find love; it’s very hard for them to reveal any real emotions, because they have so much unresolved pent up emotions inside of them. Men, who have been abused growing up, have so much suppressed anger, fear and hatred; they don’t know what to do with it. They’re a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
People who have experienced domestic violence are more likely to have mental illness.What I know.
I let go of blame a long time ago, it’s not my hatred, my fear, my scars, my anger or my burden to carry. It’s not mine.
Imagine if every single person on this planet knew what true love looked like. Imagine if we all knew how to deal with our emotions, anger and rage. All perfectly normal emotions we have all experienced, however we know how to deal with them, to get back to feeling good….
Imagine if everyone felt worthy of love and that they were enough just as they are..
Imagine if everyone knew that the relationship they have with others is a mirror of the relationship they have with themselves…
Imagine if we used our words to heal not hurt…
Imagine if we all knew how to process life, our experiences and our thoughts so we were able to move forward, create amazing lives, find happiness, find answers inside ourselves and be all we can be.
The thing is, this possible for every body but how do we educate people and get this message to them.
There are charities in place, set up and ready to help women leave abusive relationships. Good Shepherd has a fast cash fund, where they give women money instantly. This is so they can seize the moment, leave and not have money as a reason, why they have to stay in a violent relationship.
They have interest free loans to help women start their new life. They have counselors who are there is support them and help them understand and create a better life for themselves and their kids.
But how do we stop them from happening in the first place?
Last year I was featured in the Australian’s Women’s Weekly as part of a White Ribbon campaign to educate the public and express that domestic violence is not just attached to one socioeconomic status, it’s everywhere and can affect everyone.
There are lots of movements and powerful messages that are being shared but nothing to date has made the impact domestic violence deserves.
What is it going to take?
People don’t like to be involved with domestic violence it makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason, I think we are beyond domestic violence and we might be focusing on the wrong thing.
Instead of focusing on the issue, focus on where we need to go…
Here are some points Rachael Taylor and I had when we were chatting about moving forward:
- Gender balance plays a big role in this, re educating society about how we treat not just women, but people. To change sexist, derogatory attitudes of men towards women. To identify controlling behaviours towards women and know is not love and it’s not OK.
- Don’t be a bystander, do something, reach out.
- Remove the negative stigma, yes it’s a serious issue but we can send a message that is uplifting and positive. Use this to empower people. We felt this is key.
- There is often so many messages all at once, break them down.
- We can’t take the corporate model of ‘if you don’t see results immediately’, it’s stopped. It’s going to take time, patience and persistence.
- Take the Trojan horse approach
- Approach this with an entrepreneurial mind; be innovative, committed and prepared to shift the paradigm.
- Life after abuse, the happy ever after and key turning points.
