What if we stop trying so frigging hard?
To stop trying to change who we are?
I was always the annoying little sister growing up,
The sook who cried all the time, happy, sad or angry… always tears.
What if it’s all for nothing? Has been a constant fear for a really long time.
What if I don’t make it?
… What will they think?
Do people actually like me!
Oh God… did I say too much, should I’ve said that?
… What will they think?
What if I piss someone off!!! *Worst nightmare*
… What will they think?
My body… OMG… I’ve been trying to change it, forever!
The token spiritual friend.
How I swear like I Trojan… (Do they even swear?)
My boobs… argh!
How I just can’t do anything I don’t enjoy, no matter how much money I make or don’t make.
I’m very average at spelling and grammar, and I don’t remember anything about what shit is called. (Queue the “will people think I’m stupid or unprofessional” card?)
… Yet in all those flaws… What if I am brilliant?
… Will I allow myself to be brilliant and thrive in my imperfection?
If nothing else, I am unafraid to work, I love to work. (If I love it, if I don’t than I am useless.)
My pursuit for greatness left me exhausted, and feeling like I failure, even when awesome things happened.
I tapped out of the game, the circuit could kiss my arse because I can smell the bullshit a mile away.
I don’t want to pretend, suppress or be unforgiving because I’ve seen what that does to people, fuck that shit.
In all my tears, I am moved beyond words and emotion that fills my soul.
This body, I chose this big boobed, curvy body… I was never going to be an athlete, I’m shit at sports, I hate sport! If I feel into this body I chose, I have felt into all of its duality.
… My curves turn heads.
… My boobs turn heads.
… My smile awakens others.
… And yet in all of it, so many times I have hated that it does. Sitting in the paradox of wanting to love and be loved. That I am seen and yet, not wanting them to bypass my intellect and my soul.
… Can people really see ALL of me? I guess I’ve doubted people’s ability to do so. *Holy crap*
Here’s the thing, I have always wanted to do something significant with my life, to change people’s lives… Innately known that I was born for this and yet, it always seemed so faraway. Maybe it’s the paradox and dance between wanting to love and accept myself, and always secretly trying to change myself.
God doesn’t work with clouded visions and mixed messages I know that.
God does work with flawed though.
I’ve always said that our weakness is our biggest strength, so what does this really mean for me?
…This curvy- big breasted- slightly dyslectic- big dreaming- game changing- global sensation crybaby?
It means I like to move my body in a way that feels good,
It means I am exploring the duality of my existence in all its fullness,
It means I feel, deeply.
It means I see the significance of words beyond the structure of them.
It means that I am moved by my love for something beyond the reward.
It means that in all of it, I see myself not doing it anyway, but because of…
